Hello Blog Lover’s!
This post is going to be personal and talk about some issues I’ve dealt with for over two years now. I am at a much better place in my life and this is my new year’s resolution to myself. This post will serve as something for me to look back on if I’m ever faced with bad thoughts or wanting to revert back to my old ways in the future.
I have talked about my struggles before with food, but since my last posting I am happy to report that Ive grown so much. I now see food as something that can be enjoyed and not feared as I used to fear it so much. I can finally go places I wouldn’t dare have gone and eat meals with my husband without limiting or restricting myself. I’ve allowed myself to let loose, without the burden and anxiety that would ultimately follow once my meal was done. I can’t stress enough how much of a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and how wonderful it feels to not fear food as I used to.
I must say that I am not completely without fear. I still have my days and moments when I just don’t have the courage to eat something beyond my comfort zone, but the days of this fear are few and far between and I’m noticing myself taking more chances and not hating myself if the number on the scale has risen.
And boy has it risen, but for the better. I hate to admit it, but I was terribly sick both physically and mentally.
I was starving myself and looking emanciated at my worst. Its sad to think I once thought I looked good.
Its unfortunate that we put these pressures on ourselves to look a certain way and it sometimes changes you without even realizing it.
It just clicked in my head one day. This is not right. I shouldn’t define myself by a number on a scale or how little I can eat. It doesn’t prove you have more will power then others. I was only hurting myself.
My main fear is that I’ve possibly caused
a lot of internal damage to my body that I’m not aware of. My menstrual cycle still hasn’t returned and although I definitely don’t miss it, it seems unnatural to not have it.
I still need to gain a few more pounds and I plan to, but on my terms. I have been pressured by the ones I love for over a year to gain weight, but it was my own decision to make a change for myself. I needed to wrap my head around the fact that what I was doing was wtong for my body. No one else was able to convince me. I looked in the mirror everyday and judged myself. I can’t explain how or why, but everything in my head changed one day. Seeing a higher number on the scale wasn’t so bad.
Looking back at old pictures of myself recently I now notice how unhealthy I looked. I can see a difference now and I look so much better.
I’m so grateful to my mind for allowing the awful thoughts to pretty much leave. I’m confident that they will be totally gone in the future and I will find a healthy balance that works for ME.
–Any struggles with food?
-Do you have the mentality that food should be restricted in order to keep thin?